I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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