We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
