yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
