how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My penis needs a shock collar
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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