you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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