he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
