She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You've changed since you got that strap on
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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