my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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