sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She bit a glass in half.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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