she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
