This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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