On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
