even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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