i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
