Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
