he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
