I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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