im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
