I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
