bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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