Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize