oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
