I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
