i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
How's work?
Spinning.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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