I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
