Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
