I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
