when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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