I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
