Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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