My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
