I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
