The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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