last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
