he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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