If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I DEMAND FORESKIN
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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