My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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