btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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