my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize