I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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