my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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