You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
