it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
