she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
