I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
