Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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