i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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