Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
