and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
