remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She needs sedatives and a leash
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
