you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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