I think I died a long time ago.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
