I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
