Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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