he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
