bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
