I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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