bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize