Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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