He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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