During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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