Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
